Looking Back

One year ago today is when I began cutting as more than just a relief...A year ago today is when my suicidal thoughts began. Before this time I had only been using mildly sharp objects to cut myself; things that would leave slight marks but not draw too much blood. I remember the night clearly. I had been out with friends drinking and listening to local bands play for Cinco de Mayo. I had been at work earlier in the day and decided to check the phone records to see if Greg had still been talking to the woman he had had the affair with....the answer was yes of course. so by the time I made it out with my friends I was ready to find some relief from my anger in the bottom of a few mugs of beer. I called Greg later in the evening and confronted him about what I had found and we got into a pretty heated argument. I was still angry by the time I got home and I was looking for an outlet for this anger. I happened to reach for the box knife that would eventually become my favorite and began cutting the veins on my left arm. I cut until bright red blood spurted out and by then I couldn't stop. The pain felt good and was a nice relief from all the anger and sadness I was harboring.
Now a year later and I still have moments where I am unsure whether I made the right decision in trying to stay with Greg. we have had some ups and even more downs in the past year. Sometimes I feel like we would be better off apart. I feel like I am the one fighting for this marriage and I am the one that has made the sacrifices. I told him I forgave but as I have relived my past today I have realized that may be I haven't. I still have some many issues with our marriage that are unresolved. We have decided it is finally time to find a therapist to help us work through these issues and see if our marriage is even worth saving.
Seeing how hard I have been fighting the last year to save my marriage has made me also reflect on the rest of my past. I have come to realize that I have always been the one to pursue relationships. I have never had someone chase after me. I am always the one who wants more; who can't live without the affection of others. I want someone who will love me, who can't live without me, who will chase after me and fight for me. I am unsure that there is really anyone who would be able to love me enough though. I feel like I demand so much; that I am too needy and hard to love. I try to be perfect and make people love me but it always seems to get out of control and I end up hurt and all alone.
I fee like I am losing control of myself. It is hard to tell if what I am feeling is coming from real events or if it from the images in my mind. I know I need to start seeing my therapist again but I am hesitant. I love my therapist and think she is just great. However, I want her, as well as everyone else, to see me as this perfect person who has it all together. This is the way I want people to perceive me. I don't want anyone to know how broken and lost I really am.