How did I get here??

Long time since my last post and so much has happened. I made an appointment with my therapist but can't get in for a couple weeks and I am feeling overwhelmed and completely consumed by this darkness inside me. I thought maybe jotting down my feelings may help me deal until I can talk to my therapist.
So I got divorced in December. It was one of the best and worst things that has ever happened to me. Our relationship was rocky to say the least. And we really weren't good for one another as far as a married couple. We have been and still remain good friends. I have recently realized why I held on to my marriage so  long. He enabled my depression. When I had a bad day, he let me stay in bed and wallow in the in darkness. He was comfortable to me. I was afraid to leave my comfort zone and what I had know for so long. There are still times that I miss him, but I know we are both better and healthier apart.
I dated a few people after the divorce. I turned to alcohol to console myself. I also stayed in bed for long hours especially on the weekends I didn't have my son. I stopped showering and taking care of myself. I was sad and lonely and scared. I felt like I had no one to talk to. I turned to cutting again and pulling out my hair and abusing my meds. I was in a dark hole and had no one who could understand me.
In March I started dating a really amazing guy. Then I had a bad cutting episode and things really changed between us. He didn't understand my depression and cutting. I expected this so I really wasn't surprised. He told me no one would want me like this and threatened to leave me if I ever did it again. For me this only served to justify my feelings about myself. When we started dating I was up front about my mental illness and he seemed to be supportive. That was until he saw it in action. I gave him some information on cutting and we had a long talk about my issues. Things were going well until lately.
I have started to have severe anxiety attacks. Work has been chaotic, my son's behavior seems out of control and I feel like a horrible mom, and I can feel my depression starting to consume me again. Its funny how everything seems to spiral out of control all at the same time for me.
Generally I love my job and going to work. I have been trying to do so much for so long and feel like I am getting no where and I am starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed. Everyone seems to point out what I should be doing and all things I do wrong but no one wants to pitch in and help. This just makes me feel like I am a terrible business owner. My other business usually runs smoothly with only minor hiccups along the way. However, my office manager has been off due to knee replacement and we also had one of our best employees quit to take another job. This has left us short staffed while trying to train a new employee and still keep our optical department running. This has become quite the challenge. The girls get frustrated and treat the patients poorly. In the end I feel like we are losing patients and feel like I am losing control of this business as well.
And then there are the issues at home. I am living with my parents since the divorce. They have been very generous in giving us a place to stay and helping me with my son. Sometimes they get frustrated with me...I am messy, I am not raising my child properly, I am lazy. I have been feeling more lately that they do not want us there anymore. I have no where to go. I am trying to get my debt under control since the divorce and with my business but it is hard and is going to take some time. I can't afford a place of my own yet. I feel trapped and unwanted and a burden to my parents.
My son's behavior has seemed to have gotten worse too. He is not listening to me and seems to be worse when I am having an off day. He really is a good kid...smart, polite, helpful. He has just been talking back and arguing with me more lately. Maybe I expect too much. Just when I think we are making some improvement, then he seems to be right back where we started. He tells me all the time that I am a bad mom. I know he is just 7 and that's what kids do and say, but it cuts me deep when he says those things because that is how I feel about myself. I don't want him growing up with a crazy mom who cri‎es all the time and can't get out of bed and always has her arms bandaged from the latest episode. 
So things with the new boyfriend were going well since we had our talk. As I have become more and more anxious and depressed as of late, it has kind of taken a turn for the worse. I have been more irritable and inconsolable and demanding more time and attention. This past weekend I broke down and cut myself pretty bad (Hence making the appointment with my therapist). To deal with all the emotions he was feeling, my boyfriend turned to drinking (which he never does). That night he told me that I wasn't worth it. He has also told me that dealing with me is draining and I need to cut people some slack. That I consume people's time and attention. That I am demanding. That I don't let anyone else have a bad day. That it is always all about me and what I am going through. That I only focus on the negative. That I don't forgive people. That I don't appreciate what all he does for me or what anyone else who cares about me does for me.  That dealing with me is taxing. That I am selfish and think I am the only one with problems. That I am irresponsible by not taking me meds and taking care of myself and my belongings and my business like I should. He also told me some good stuff about myself too...but like he said I only seem to focus on the bad. For me that justifies how I already feel about myself. And that's what I want.
I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve people to care about me. I don't deserve good things in life. I am toxic...I am poison. And I don't say things for pity or attention. In fact I would rather be invisible. I would rather be alone. Sure being alone scares the shit out of me but alone is what I deserve. I don't deserve to be happy. I am a failure at everything....I am a bad daughter, a bad mother, a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, a bad business owner, and bad boss, a bad doctor. Right now I feel consumed by sadness and loneliness and anxiety. My life is spiraling out of control right before my eyes and I have no idea how to stop it. So I cut and crawl into my own black hole and I hold onto the negative, the bad things and feelings, and wrap myself in them because that is what I deserve..that is where I find comfort...believing that I am not good enough and never will be.