Why

It has been awhile since I last posted a new blog. I have several in the works but no motivation to finish them. So I started yet another new one today. This one might be a little hard to hear/read...
One of the most common questions I have been asked is why. Why do you have the desire to cut? Why do you continue to do it when you know how dangerous it is? For most people who practice self-mutilation it becomes like an addiction. When I was feeling so empty and lonely, cutting became a way for me to let go of those feelings and actually feel something. I would wait for the wounds to heal and then cut again usually only deep enough to bleed for a few seconds. The pain gave me such an adrenaline rush and the wounds never hurt until the next morning. I know exactly when the cutting started and I know when it got out of hand. What I am unsure of is where my self-mutilation began. I can remember being young, maybe 6 or7, and biting my arm or my hand when I would get frustrated. I also remember picking at scabs, snapping rubber bands on my wrists, and scratching myself with thumbtacks. I  battled bulimia 3 different times in my life. Inflicting pain on myself is a way for me to deal with my frustration and self-hatred. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere including with my family. Yes, I have friends and people who care about me, but I have always felt like a little of an outsider. These thoughts would make me sad and lonely and I could punish myself by inflicting pain. Even now I still love the way pain feels. Through those woulds I can release a little piece of myself that I hate.
I have been doing much better since my medication change a few weeks ago. I haven't really had the urge to cut until the other night. I had several really bad days in a row and I hit bottom. I got really frustrated and used my keys to scratch my arm. I also pulled out several hand-fulls of my hair. The ironic thing is my hair and my arms are about the only things I really like about my body and I am destructing both.
I am trying very hard to overcome my urges for cutting myself. Like any addict, I will relapse from time to time. I hope there comes a day when I no longer have these urges and can be happy with the person looking back in the mirror at me.