Alone

So I went out on a limb last night and asked someone out only to find out he is seeing someone. Bummer. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. This rejection, as slight as it was, seemed to justify my feelings of inadequacy. I find myself putting up walls and trying to convince myself that I don't want to date because of one reason or another. In reality I really do want to but by telling myself I don't I feel less vulnerable to rejection or worse yet to the fact of not being asked at all. For most people this probably makes no sense at all. When I was in high school, I put on a front like I was too good to date anyone from school, but it was only because I knew that I was never going to be asked and that hurt. In fact I only got asked out on one date the entire time I was in high school and that was by one of my best friends. I have only seen asked out twice since then. Kind of a pathetic dating life I have had. Thus here I am in my current state of mind feeling like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. In my marriage I had to face the ultimate rejection; my husband sought out another woman for companionship because I had failed so miserably at being a wife. I am not the kind of woman that men date. I am not beautiful or even pretty and don't possess any of the qualities men seem to like. I would like to think my intelligence is what keeps men away but I feel that I am even inadequate there as well. I know this totally sounds like I am just feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am; but this is honestly how I have felt about my self my entire life. I am not anything special.