3 year Cancer Survivor

It has been 3 years since I had my radical hysterectomy that cured me of cervical cancer. I am so thankful to Dr. Brown for finding the cancer and to Dr. Manahan for performing the surgery and taking such good care of me since that day.  I feel so blessed to be among the survivors and at the same time I almost feel as if I am not a true survivor. I was fortunate enough to not have to go through chemo or radiation. Those cancer patients are the ones that truly suffer the wrath of cancer. I was lucky and only had to have simple surgery. I have so much admiration for those who not only are fighting the cancer but are also overcoming the nasty side effects of its treatment (especially my little buddy Anthony and my beautiful little cousin Morgan).

Sure it can be said that I have suffered emotionally since my diagnosis. I had a really hard time coming to terms with not being able to have any more children. I was forced to make the decision whether to go through with the surgery or wait it out and try to have more children. I was selfish and decided I could not live in fear and waiting. I regret this decision about half the time. I love my son and feel extremely blessed to have him; but I don't need people to remind me how lucky I am. One of the first things people ask when I tell them I have had cervical cancer is whether or not I have children. When I say yes I have one child, they proceed to tell me how lucky I am to have him. This is one of the things that aggravates me to no end. Yes I am lucky to have but I would have loved to have more children.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, Greg and I were separated. I had not yet been diagnosed with depression but that was exactly what I was going through. I was unhappy and lonely and thought it was because of an unfulfilled  marriage. That wasn't really the case though. I had cancer that was throwing my hormones into havoc and I was battling major depression. Greg and I eventually decided to work things out shortly after my surgery. I was able to deal with the fact of not being able to have more kids because I had a husband who was standing by me through the bad times. Plus we could always adopt. For awhile I really reevaluate my life and tried not to take people and moments for granted. That too passed and I began to forget how important my family especially Greg were to me.

Now Greg and I are headed for divorce due in part to reasons on both our parts. This past year has made me deal with the fears I had been suppressing. I am afraid of the cancer coming back in some form. I find myself being overly cautious whenever I find something unusual. This is extremely frustrating for me. I also worry about dating and long-term relationships. When is appropriate to tell someone that I have had cancer and cannot have children. This could be a huge factor if they want children and I cannot provide them with any. I also don't want someone to feel sorry for me. This is a huge dilemma for me and I haven't even been on a date yet. It is these fears and more that I have been trying to deal with for the last several months along with the depression. Some days I feel like I have it together and others I feel completely out of control.

I have been so fortunate to have a great support system. I have a wonderful family in my parents, sister and brothers, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, and cousins. My beautiful little boy keeps me motivated to get healthy each and every day. I have terrific friends and co-workers. Thank you for all your love and encouragement.