Downward Spiral

I had such high hopes for 2011 but instead have found my depression to be getting worse. I have been down for several weeks now.  I have been fighting a battle with myself  to even get out of bed in the mornings. I hate feeling this way. I want to be productive and work toward bettering myself but as of late it seems the depression is winning.
I have always been someone who believes in God and attends church regularly. However, I have been finding myself doubting my faith. I have been experiencing so many challenges and loss lately which has me questioning whether God exists and if he does why all the struggle in my life? Either way it has me pulling away from all the beliefs I once held so close. These thoughts and ideas frighten me. I do not want to end up losing my faith in God entirely and am not sure how to regain this faith.

My thoughts of self-harm and suicide are also getting worse. Whereas I once could only see the end results now I am actually thinking of different ways to harm myself.  I have been dreaming more vividly about suicide. I can see myself in the act. Usually it involves some sort of stabbing or cutting. 

I have felt increasingly lonely too. It is hard to determine if it is all in my head or if it is real. I know that I tend to distance myself from others when I feel down because I am ashamed. Most of the people in my life do not understand and think I just need to snap out of it. I only wish it was that simple. I especially keep to myself when I have been cutting. I hide the marks with long sleeves and layers. My co-workers recently discovered that I have been cutting again. They were upset and disappointed in me. seeing their reactions only made me feel worse about myself. They want me to stop and think I can just stop. Cutting is like an addiction. The rush I get from running the blade across my arm is like a high; all of my emotions release and I feel calm again. I really try not to but it is a struggle for me especially lately. 

I feel as though I am letting so many people down. I know my family and friends are worried about me and I hate knowing I am causing them pain. I feel bad for what I put Greg through. He doesn't deserve to have this crazy wife that he has no idea how to deal with from day to day. I make it so hard for him because he never knows what kind of mood I am going to be in. My mood totally determines how he is able to even talk to me, what tone to use, whether he can touch me or not. I put him through hell and I know it but I don't know how to fix it. Some of his family has not been very supportive of us getting back together and trying to make things work. I can't say I blame them though. I am very difficult to live with and I know they are just looking out for the best interest of their son/brother. I do love him and want to be a better wife  but sometimes my emotions are stronger and they keep me from being the wife I want to be. It still hurts knowing that they perceive me as this evil person because that really is not who I am. 
I also know I am not the mother I want to be either. My son has seen me get upset and lose control of my emotions on several occasions. I feel most terrible for this. As long as I live I will never forgive myself for putting my child through this. I love him with all of my heart. I truly feel that I would have nothing without him in my life. He is my constant reminder that I am loved. He deserves so much more from a mother than what I have given him. I will regret this forever.
Everyday I struggle with the hatred inside of me. Some days I can beat it and actually feel somewhat "normal" while other days it gets the best of me. Those are the ones from which I bear the scars.