Perfect

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that's alright 
Welcome to my silly life Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated Look, I'm still around "
"You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead So complicated, look happy, you'll make it! Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game It's enough! I've done all I can think of Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same "


The lyrics to "Perfect" by P!nk could have easily been written about me. I want so bad for everyone to see me as perfect. I always seem to fall short of this; at least in my own mind. I feel there are so many areas in my life that need improvement. 
I have never looked in the mirror and thought to myself "I look good today". More often than not I stand in front of the mirror pointing out my flaws...my teeth aren't white enough, my nose is too big, my hair looks awful, my thighs are huge, I was way too fat,..and the list  goes on from there. Occasionally I will admit to having a good hair day. Most of my thoughts are negative though.
As if that isn't enough I then begin to think of all the ways I have failed as a person. I am messy and disorganized. I procrastinate and am always late. I lose my temper easily. I am not as smart as I would like to be. I don't pay enough attention to my family or my job. I feel like I fail in all areas of my life. 
All this self-hatred has lead me to abuse myself in many ways over the years. As a young girl I would bite myself and pull my hair. As I got older this lead to scratching myself with staples, hitting myself until I bruised, abusing laxatives, and eventually to cutting. I also abuse myself emotionally by attaching myself to people who are emotionally or even physically unable to deal with me or fulfill the place in my life that I need them to.  When someone does not react the way I want them to, I view it as being due to the fact that I am flawed. I use it as proof that I am not good enough, that I am a bad person, that I am not perfect. 
I was talking about this with a friend the other day and was told that I appear to have it all together to those who do not know me well. This is true in fact. I want people to like me so I hide my true self from most people. I do not want them to see this broken, awkward, nerdy, ugly, bad person that I really am. I have also learned not to let people know how much they hurt me because they either don't care or they will use it to continue hurting me. 
Some will read this and think that I am just saying these things to have people tell me how great I am to boost my ego. In fact I do not take compliments well and am actually embarrassed by compliments because I do not believe them and do not feel as if I deserve kind words from people. I cannot find justification for the good qualities that people say I possess. I can only find justification for the bad that I see. We are told that others' opinions should not influence your self-esteem. It is a difficult thing to do especially when I see justification for all of my flaws and shortcomings. 
When I look in the mirror I see the bad, ugly, broken person that exists both inside and out.