Random

I have so much going on in my head. So many thoughts I want to get out, so this post may seem a little random.
I have been thinking a lot about the relationships in my life. As a child I was always fairly shy and quiet. I was (and still am) a people pleaser. I hated to cause any sort of trouble. I made good grades, did my chores, and was generally a good kid. I always say I was an easy kid to love since I was so good. In a way though this made me invisible. I didn't require as much attention as my brothers and sisters. I didn't have to be told to do my homework or go to bed and I never had a curfew because if I ever went out it was to work on homework, go to practice/game, or hang out with my nerd friends. My parents had to worry more about the other kids while I just blended into the background. I have always been most comfortable blending in. I do not like to draw attention to myself. I didn't want to be the kid everyone picked on and I knew I wasn't cool enough to hang out with the popular kids and I didn't have enough self-confidence to do my own thing without caring what the rest of the world thought. So I kept to the background and survived pretty much unscathed.
I have always had a good relationship with my parents. I strive hard to please them and make them proud of me. My mom always told me how proud she was and was very loving. My dad was a little  more emotionally distant. I thought if I was perfect maybe he would show me the love and affection I desired from him. I made straight A's, played sports, took dance class, played in the band, helped him around the house...anything to get him to notice me. Nothing seemed to work. In fact it wasn't until I was diagnosed with cancer that he really began to show me how much he cared.
Funny thing is I married a man just like me dad. I never realized this until I started in therapy. I was the one that always chased after Greg. I would get upset with him for not giving me the attention or showing me emotion. In fact I felt like he could care less whether I was around most of the time. I fell in love with him because he made me laugh and he was so calm and didn't lose his temper with me. I would freak out and he would forgive me every time. The longer we were together the more he learned how to deal with me. To get what he wanted or to punish me for something, he could withhold affection or act mad at me and I would completely lose it. I cannot stand the thought of him or anyone else for that matter being mad at me. For the most part he simply tolerated me or looked past me. Again I had the feeling that I was invisible. I still to this day get that feeling with Greg. I don't think he does it on purpose. He is not comfortable dealing with certain things, especially my mental illness and cutting, and so he chooses to look over them and focus only on the good things. Not that being invisible to him is necessarily a bad thing all of the time. He doesn't like most of my friends and I don't care for some of his so we are able to do are separate things. When we do things together we usually have a lot of fun and laughs. So our relationship, however dysfunctional it may seem, is not all bad. He is not perfect and neither am I but for the most part we seem to make it work.

I felt like my arms were starting to heal well and decided to wear a short sleeve shirt to work the other day. I caught one of my coworkers staring and a patient actually commented on them. I felt terrible and immediately put on my jacket. I have always been so cautious to keep them covered until I was for certain they they looked relatively normal. After that I am not so sure my judgement is so good anymore. I don't like having to hide my arms all of the time. I have tried cutting other areas on my body but don't get the same relief. I am not quite sure why that is. I know I need to stop and I am trying really hard. A lot of it has to do with taking my medications like I need to instead of worrying about all the unpleasant side effects. I have been trying to go without them but things just too out of control. Cutting then is what brings control back into my life. I have to believe that I will get better, stronger. Without hope I have nothing.