Today I am done....done cutting, done hurting, done hating. I woke up this morning feeling like I was starting to turn the corner. Up until this point I was not ready. In fact I cut as recent as yesterday with no intention of stopping. Today I am ready to put down the knife and start taking steps toward recovery. Cutting and self-harm has been like a drug for me. I actually get a rush, a type of high if you will, from hurting myself. This is what I have used to allow myself to continuing cutting. I have been driven by anger at myself for not being perfect and for failing in all aspects of my life. I have been driven by self-hatred and never being good enough in my own eyes and mind. Today I lay it all down and take the path toward the future I long for.
I have met several friends that did not know me at all or did not know me well before I became consumed by depression and self-injury. These people have helped me realized that there is good inside of me....that I am worthy of happiness. They are the ones who love and care about me and can see the good in me despite all the sadness and hurt that seems to pour from me more often than not. I also have 2 very special friends from when I was younger who support me through my ups and downs. These girls have seen me at my best and worst and are constant reminders that there are good people out there who love me as I am. I am starting to see that my imperfections are what set me apart. Just because I am not perfect does not mean that I am still not good. I may not be skinny or beautiful or the best optometrist/mother/wife/friend/sister/daughter. But I have so much love and concern for the people in my life. I am honest, loyal, hard working, and determined. Today I use that determination in a positive way.
I am going to dedicate this blog to its original intention...to help me get my feelings out instead of using them against myself. I will remind myself daily of some of my favorite quotes:
"It ok to not be ok"
" Be the change you wish to see in the world" ~ Ghandi
" Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." ~ Theodore Roosevelt
I was touched by your positive and hopeful post. Good luck and I look forward to hearing about your progress.
ReplyDeleteAs I recover from a suicidal depression I too am writing a blog. I have decide to be entirely open about my moods in the hope that it helps others endure. Often with depression I just feel rotten. I want to be positive and strong but some days I am just not. I applaud you for having the courage to be so open and honest with your writing. I wish you the best in your recovery.
ReplyDeleteMatt
ahopefilledlife.blogspot.com