I feel guilty that it has been so long since I have posted anything. I have been dealing with a lot of different emotions this week. It has been a revealing week but also one filled with strong emotions. I have come to realize that there are many people out there who care about me and whose lives I have touched just as much as they have touched mine. I appreciate all the kind words and prayers for me. You all mean so much to me and I would not be who I am today with out your friendship and love.
I have also realized that divorce in most likely inevitable for Greg and me. This revelation has brought about a great deal of emotional stress for me. I feel sad because this chapter in my life is coming to an end. I also feel disappointed in myself for not being able to choose a soul mate; someone who would stand beside me through thick and thin. I am disappointed in myself for not being the person he needed me to be, for not being able to give Alex a happy home with two loving parents, for not being able to keep my wedding vows. This is almost to the point that I actually hate myself for not being able to have this perfect life; this perfect marriage.
I have always strive for perfection. I want everyone to see me as this wonderful perfect person. If I look perfect and act perfect then no one will see the horrible person that lies within. I feel I am flawed and no one will ever be able to love me. I am an emotional train wreck most of the time and unworthy of love and attention.
At the same time I am hopeful that someone is out there who can take care of me; who wants to help me continue too improve myself.; who will hold my hand and love me along the way. I am so overwhelmed by emotion and it is driving me need to cut. Today was hard and with all of the stress form the week I could no longer resist the urge to cut. I sat in my office and cut myself with my keys and my fingernails. It was not enough but I knew I really needed to stop and so I did. This is the first time that cutting has not made me feel better. In fact, this time I am actually disappointed i did not get relief.
I completely understand your feelings around the divorce - the disappointment and feeling like you've failed. I wanted everyone to think things were perfect too and really struggled with my decisions. Even though my divorce was for different reasons, the feelings were very similar. If you ever need to talk, just know that I'm here for you. I also know how hard it is to feel like such a big chapter of your life is over. Sometimes I think that's just the path we're meant to be on. Like you always say, people come into our lives for a reason and they don't always stay. Just remember that without this chapter, as difficult as it's been, you wouldn't be the amazing person that you are (and whether you see it yet or not, we all do!) and you wouldn't have that wonderful little man of yours. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself - you mean a lot to a lot of people!
ReplyDelete"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." ~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
ReplyDeleteSomeone really smart and awesome gave me this quote to put on my fridge. :)