During my session with my therapist yesterday, I told her that I felt like it was time to let go of Greg but I just didn't know how. Letting go of people, whether it be friendships or relationships, has always been very difficult for me. For one, I don't like change. This seems so strange to me because I love to try new foods and experiences but I value my routine and the things I am comfortable with immensly. I also have trouble letting go because it feels like I am being abandoned. I have always thought that people come into your life for certain purposes, but am not good about moving forward when the time comes to go our seperate ways. Even when the disadvantages of the relationship outweigh the benefits, I still hang on. I almost feel like I end up caring way more for these people than they ever cared for me. This is the realization I have come to in my relationship with Greg as of late. I have always been the one to chase after him and try to please him and he seems to not care how I feel or what I want/need. Lately this has become even worse. All this has led me to believe that maybe he is done with our marriage and cannot find the words to tell me.
So after therapy last night I called him and we talked for over an hour about my concerns. He has told me he does not think things will ever be the same between us. I have told him that things do not need to be the same because our relationship was unhealthy; that's how we got to this point. I believe things can be even better between us; he does not feel the same. His support system is strongly encouraging him to file for divorce and i think he is finally ready to do just that. When he told me this last night, I could literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. I felt this huge wave of sadness completely engulf me. I cried harder than I ever have in my life. Of course my family was concerned that I would try to hurt myself, but I had no desire to cut. I laid in bed all night so tired but unable to sleep or even think. I was and still am just consumed by an intense sadness.
I am so sad for your sorrow. I hate seeing you sad and unsure of things. I cannot really give you advice because these are things you have to figure out for yourself, but try not to be too hard on yourself if you cannot let go right away or if you do not want to let go. I think letting go is not just psychological, but physical, too. One thing you can be sure of is that I care about you and others do, too. I will always be there when you need help!!
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